Writing exercise, First Draft
Here are my suggestions for a possible second chapter
for the story: “Hinata Farm: Five Days
on Four Legs”.
“Nothing moves forward in a story except through
conflict.”
- Screenwriter Robert McKee
First of all, while earning a Communications major
and Journalism minor at the University of Minnesota, I took a
writing fiction class. My professor told my class that “the strength of
your story is the strength of your conflict”. He said that compelling
narratives are driven by struggle, tension, and opposition. Without social or physical conflict, a story
lacks the emotional pull and forward momentum that keep readers engaged.
Basing your story’s conflict upon the internal conflict
between Yuki’s desire to have unhealthy, workaholic obsessions of keeping track
of time, how to maximize everything she does, and keeping track of her
development team back at her corporate headquarters which she should have
ignored vs. forgetting all that to spend her 5 days focusing on improving her
mental health.
Yuki is now one of my favorite fictional characters;
because I can relate on an emotional level to Yuki’s workaholic
obsessions. In the 2010’s, I returned to the University of Minnesota to
earn a degree in journalism. I was so obsessed with getting great grades
in my classes that would improve my chances at getting hired. Thus, I put
my social life on hold for 2 years. Yet, my payoff was being a straight A
student, having one of my professors keep one of my essays to be used as an
example to future classes on how to write their essays, and in my
Communications and Creativity class, I missed only 3 points and was the top
student in my class.
Even while writing fiction, my obsessive pursuit of
perfection got me to read a book on medieval brewing for 2 days that produced 1
new paragraph for my manuscript.
“The only thing
worth writing about is the human heart in conflict with itself.”
- William Faulkner
This story’s first conflict is Yuki’s obsessive
corporate mind vs. Yuki’s animal mind to just do things instead of making a
plan like her life is a never ending chess match against the world. To
rephrase, this is a Person vs. Self conflict: Internal conflict where a
character struggles with their emotions or decisions.
“Without conflict, there is no plot.”
- Cassandra Clare
This story’s second conflict could be Person vs.
Technology: Conflict arising from the use of technology or machines. Yuki
could ask herself if she is using the mainframe as an extension of herself, or
was the mainframe using Yuki as an extension of itself?
“You need contrast and conflict in order to tell a
story.”
- David Lynch
This story’s third conflict could be between the
startup’s executives who use unnecessary complex corporate jargon to hide their
“Criminal Liability”. For example the startup’s executive says, “Don’t
worry about glitches in the test subjects, I mean mental health patients.
Trust me when I say that our science team is in the catbird seat.”
Moreover, the contract Yuki signed required the staff to
treat her as a mental health patient; while employee documents described Yuki
to be treated as a farm animal. Yuki is a human being, not an expendable
animal test subject. The farm’s managers committed so many human rights
violations against our nation’s laws and the Universal Declaration of Human
Rights; district attorney Teruko Sono says it will take months before she
documents all the crimes committed within our nation’s biggest startup scandal. Every day, the farm keep s Yuki and her
friends there is a violation of a legal document, exposing the farm to civil
penalties and criminal prosecution.
Note: Yuki is 25 years
old. The average life expectancy for a
Japanese woman is now 87 years. In the
future world of this story, the average life expectancy for a Japanese woman
would be at least 100 years. So, is
Yuki’s mental burnout so severe that no amount of rest can cure it? Yuki and her friends should take her former
black company to legal court for damages caused by their mental burnouts.
Or, imagine the conflict between Yuki Harada who wants
to remain a carefree rabbit, her father who accepts any decision Yuki makes
about her future, and her mother who want the human daughter she gave birth to back.
The camera follows Yuki’s father (personality:
caring and determined, funny and strategist, marketing manager and is skilled
in Jujutsu) walking into the farm’s conference. Yuki's father and Yuki’s
eyes meet. Yuki’s father sits on an armchair, while Yuki fidgets while sitting
on her abdomen on a sofa.
Yuki’s Father: “Yuki, it took half of my savings
hiring many private detectives, unemployed reporters, and people who worked
undercover for me at the farm. For 6 years, I kept other people searching
for you until a nanotech research graduate student intern, for whom I paid off
all their huge college tuition debt, told one of my detectives that you are
alive, your mind existing in the body of a bunny, and sleeping in a barn.
Yuki’s Father: “I imagined the only time I’d see
my daughter appear as a bunny would be when you are jumping out of the top of
an oversized birthday cake. Well, I suppose it could still happen, if
that cake was a carrot cake.
Yuki’s Father: “During the Farm’s managers’ court
trial, Judge Yoshiko Mibuchi ruled that you must stay at Hinata Farm. She
rules that it is the best place for you for now to continue your mental
recovery. Then, Judge Yoshiko appointed me to be your legal
guardian. Being your legal guardian gives me parental visitation rights,
including your birthdays and national holidays. She gave me and your
close family members legally required visits that begin after you have put in
your hours at the farm’s petting zoo.”
Note: Yuki’s 3 friends also gain visiting rights
for their family members.
Yuki’s Father: “In hindsight, you should have
gotten metal health care long before you suffered mental burnout. I cared
more about how much money you were making, more than your mental health.”
Note: I would be very happy to see that birthday
party.
Note: Imagine that after liberation, Keiko chooses
to retain her goat body, so that she can sell premium goat cheese made with her
milk. If you can buy cheese made with human breast milk, then you can
sell cheese made with a human who is now a physical goat. Also, Keiko
stays on the farm because she married the male goat beta tester. Working
20 to 30 minutes each weekday, Yuki's only traditional job is the general
manager of Keiko’s cheese brand.
Yuki’s Father: “I understand that when the Hinata
Farm doctors put beta code in your head, it gives you uncontrollable urges to
be petted, act cute, and command you to never even consider leaving the
farm. But, their beta code at some spots blended into each other.
Outside doctors don’t know when they are able to safely erase those mind
bending codes, or even if it is possible at all with ‘current technology’ to
erase that damaged code at all.
Yuki’s Father: “As a devout Christian, I believe
in Matthew 7:12. ‘In everything, then,
do to others as you would have them do to you.’
Maybe, we should take away the Farm’s managers freedom to choose and
then turn their bodies into farm animals for 6 years?
Yuki’s Father: “Yuki, you accept being a bunny,
ignoring your master’s degree in statistical analysis, while bringing shame to
your family. Your only contribution to society is being an animal at a
petting zoo? Why don’t you go one more step, turning from a bunny into a
Star Trek Tribble? Another thing, I can’t wait to explain to the family
heads why my grandchildren maybe will be baby bunnies.
Yuki’s Father: “I know that starting in high
school; you developed compulsive and obsessive behaviors. Nobody told you
to write equations of questionable value for everything you do. Albert
Einstein loved creating equations that made a difference to human
society. Do you remember that time when you were 6 years old when you
wrote an equation on the best way to toast a slice of sourdough bread?
Even then, your mother and I saw that you already had serious mental problems
long before you joined that black company.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_company_(Japan)
Yuki’s Father: “So, you will stay here until your
mind recovers. After talking to the 3 psychologists I hired, you will
stay as a biological bunny; otherwise you will get shape-shifter yo-yo anxiety.
Yuki’s Father: “Your throat will be remade and
your vocal cords remade so you can speak human words. But, if I speak
with Yuki-babble, you would say your ‘audio drivers will be reinstalled’.
Yuki’s face took on a look of bewilderment.
Yuki’s Father: “Daughter, I have known you for 25
years. Do you think I don’t know how you speak?
Yuki’s Father: “Your restored voice will be based
on your mother’s soft and elegant voice of ‘My Lady of London’. In case
you forgot, that’s the nickname I gave your mother. I fell in love with your mother’s voice
before I fell in love with her body. Speaking
of which, I’ve never told you this before, but the night your mother and I conceived
you was the best sex that I’ve ever had.”
(That line is based on a real conservation that I had with my father.)
Yuki’s Father: “Your 3 friends will also have
their ability to speak human words restored.
You 4 will speak, you 4 will sing.”
A cheerful smile of insight lights up Yuki’s Father’s
face.
Yuki’s Father: “Imagine the 4 of you, still physically
animals, along with the beta testers, onstage being members of a J-pop
band. Methinks you will make much more money being a J-pop
artist than you ever did for that black company.”
Yuki puts her forepaws over her forehead.
Yuki’s Father: “But, let’s put that to one side for
now.
Yuki’s Father: OK, why is your mother not by my
side? Your mother blamed me for your
disappearance. She told me that I didn’t stop you from working at a black
company known for abusing their workers. Thus, she got a legal divorce
from me, and then moved back to London. She’s going to have kittens, a
whole lot of kittens, when I tell her that the human baby that she gave birth
to is now a para-human
black bunny.
Yuki’s Father: “To be fair, I had a raw, emotional
outburst when my detective told me you had spent the last 6 years as a black
bunny. Wait, ‘6 years a black bunny’ is a good title for an autobiography
describing your life as a bunny.
Yuki’s Father: Maybe, we could write a children’s
book about petting zoo animals taking over human society; and then forcing
humans to become pets in human petting zoos.
I’m going to hire a literary agency for those projects.
Yuki’s Father: Anyway, I spent the rest of the
afternoon and evening, alternating between the pure joys of knowing that you
are alive, and then thinking of painful ways to murder Hinata Farm’s scientists
and managers. I didn’t think that I
could be that emotional that hard for so long, yet I did. I drank an entire bottle of Koshu grape wine
to calm me down.”
Yuki tilts her head to one side.
Yuki’s Father: “You got me; I drank 3 bottles and
then passed out on the living room sofa, one shoe on and one shoe off. And, that reminds me of something funny that
happened during my college days.”
Yuki jumps off the sofa, hops to her father, while standing
on her hind legs, puts her forepaw over her father’s mouth. Yuki lets out a sound that sounds like a
human sigh.
Yuki’s Father: “Yuki, I should talk about the
topics at hand?”
Yuki nods, turns around, and then hops back to sit on
the sofa.
Yuki’s Father sighs:
“Where was I? All your thought-controlling programs will be
erased. But, the psychologists tell me that your desire to be a cute
rabbit, with a compulsion to be petted have been controlling your mind for so
long that they are now a permanent mental muscle memory. But, I have
returned your legal rights as a human to you.
So, you will be paid minimum wage for every hour you work as an emotional
support animal in the petting zoo.
Yuki’s Father: “Speaking of furry people, before
you disappeared, your mother and I talked about becoming anthropomorphic,
bipedal red foxes. If we ever get
married again, it would be fun to become an anthropomorphic married
couple. We could be each other’s
emotional support service animals. We
discussed having our bodies transformed with a representative of the Nanotech
Unlimited research campus; the world’s biggest by sales and most profitable
nanotech company.
Yuki’s Father: “I was wondering what would have
happened if you and your friends had gone to a big nanotech company retreat instead
of a startup retreat?”
Note: What would
happen if Nanotech Unlimited buys up Hinata Farm?
Yuki’s Father: “What standard of measurement will
I use to determine when your mind has recovered? 3 psychologists hired by
me must each issue you a clean bill of mental health to leave the farm. It is your choice to leave this farm or to
remain here with your 3 friends. If you want to remain a bunny, return to
being a human, or something in between, that is also your choice.
Yuki’s Father: “Remember this, daughter; the
greatest thing I can do for you is to protect your smile. That is why I
am giving you back your freedom to choose: To be the master of your own destiny,
the captain of your own future.
Yuki’s Father: “Back at your company headquarters,
you former subordinate Sota Yamamoto got your job. He also got your salary, your office, and
your company car. How you deal with Sota’s promotion is up to you.
Yuki’s Father: “I will say that when the 4 of you
disappeared, so did much of their institutional knowledge. In the first
year after your disappearance, your company lost 3 percent of their market
share to rival companies. All your nitpicking did make a difference to
your company’s sales after all.
Yuki’s Father: “Some of your coworkers believed
that you 4, in secret, were working for those rival companies. That would
have been a much better outcome than what actually happened to you.
“Acts of kindness, even in the simplest ways, are what
make our lives meaningful, bringing happiness to ourselves and others.”
- The Dalai Lama
Yuki’s Father: “Before I forget, my attorney got
you the right to have a monthly day trip outside the farm. You will be paid for petting therapy for students
and alumni, as well as professors and staff at your alma mater.”
Note: Every
month, the University of Minnesota – Duluth has an event called “P.A.W.S. (Pet
Away Worry & Stress)” in the Kirby Student Center.
https://duluthumn.campusgroups.com/ksc/rsvp_boot?id=387038&rel=title
